LittleFlower

Havent really had any motivation to blog this week so far… stress levels high for an exam tomorrow after work that I havent really studied for (I’ve read the lecture notes, but not the background text… eeeeek!) and pretty busy at work (sorry Nancy for cutting the emails short yesterday…. but was up to my eyes!).

So far, this week has been brilliant. Had a bit of a shock-moment two days ago when I stood on the scale and saw a number I havent seen in over a year. I freaked out. Seriously freaked out. Thanks be to God I have a brilliant, supportive boyfriend. He just gave me a big hug, told me it was probably just my body re-adjusting to coming off my anti-depressants, and then gave me a stern warning not to do anything “stupid” like not eat for days! Then he made me a delicious healthy supper and we ate that together… he kept telling me that in a day or two my weight will be down again… and he was right. I’m right back down again this morning. But I have been working hard on it as well this week… into the gym every morning so far before work…. cardio and weights… even managing some jogging (did 30 minutes on a relatively slow speed this morning… hugh improvement on the 8 minutes I could do 2 weeks ago!).

So, Mom and my babay sister came up last weekend. As I thought, Saturday shopping was painful and tiring with Mom determined to baby my sister and determined to get her a pair of runners, regardless of whether or not she wanted them. I had to remind my sister that we all went through this…. and warned her that it will get worse before she leaves home…. especially because she’s the youngest and the last of us to go. But we had a lovely dinner on Saturday night and went to see “Up” in 3D… it was brilliant! If you havent seen it… go see it!

Sunday, Mom went to the craft fair and Saoirse (my babay sister) and I went to the zoo…. and we had a fantastic time, eventhough it was freezing cold. I’ll post up some pictures soon. It was really nice to spend some one on one time with her. She’s gotten so grown up, it’s unbelieveable. Cant wait for Christmas when I can go home and spend some proper time with her.

Oh… and I finally saw “Twilight”!!! Saoirse brought it up with her, and we all watched it on Friday night… Cathal fell asleep after the first 10 minutes, but he was there in body, if not in mind!

This weekend I found I just felt sorry for Mom. She’s such a lost woman. You can tell a lot about a person from their friends, and her friends that she talked about last weekend are pretty much all screwed up. I get the feeling that she feels trapped at home, and would do anything just to escape from it… to get away from the mundane day-to-day. I felt myself feeling sorry for her… and had to tell myself to “stop”. I have to stop engaging like this. I only get hurt if I start to trust her and let her in. So as much as my head is confused by my emotions…. I have to stay level… and distant somewhat…. so I can live my own life up here, and not worry about her life down there. As harsh as it may seem… it’s the only way for me to remain sane and have some cordial relationship with her.

Anyway….. an hour and half to go to my lunch… I’m starving… the fax machine’s pi**ing me off by spewing all the pages all over the floor instead of gathering them…… and I’m stuck on reception, surrounded by chocolate……. God I’m hunrgy. It’s not even a case where I can go out for some fresh air… I have to stay sitting here….. hurry up lunch time!!!!

Yesterday I may have been over my caloires, but I didnt drink any alcohol. I really wanted to after college, and I really wanted to order a pizza, or have a chinese or something bad…. but I didnt. Instead I swept all the floors, tidyed the place up a bit and made my dinner for work today (chicken and veggie homemade from scratch - very proud of my low fat currys!). I did go to bed a little too late (it was after 12am when I finally got into bed) but other than that… it was a better day. A little binge on biscuits after my dinner in work yesterday (I ate 5 before I stopped myself)…. but I’ve a plan for today to not do that.

So today, I’m going to have my dinner AFTER a walk. I have an hour off for lunch, so I’m going to go for a 30 minute fast trot around where I work, and then when i get back I’m going to have my dinner. by the time I’ve had it, the hour will be up… so no time for tea and biscuits.

This week has been a rough one on me. I need to pick myself up. I know I’m strong… I’m a hardass when it comes to weightloss… I’m going to be hard on myself. I know how to do this. I’ve done it before when I got to my lowest weight of 136lbs. So what I did today is visualise the motivation, dedication and will to lose weight that I had the last time. I have to keep picturing myself doing all the training I did for the Worlds, the diet I kept (I’m doing it HEALTHY this time though… no living off bananas!). Like this morning when I got into work after the gym, instead of waiting for my breakfast break at 10am (or whenever the girl who releaves me feels like doing so!) I had a kiwi…. I normally wouldnt eat anything and would try to hold off…. but I thought “Girl, you’ve just done cardio for an hour…. get some healthy carbs into you… and some fibre”… BAM… Kiwi got ate!

And it did work…. when I hit a slump at 9:15am and I felt like a chocolate bar (I’m on reception this morning, so chocolate is always close at hand) I was tough on myself. I said NO….. you do NOT need that. You are NOT allowed to eat that. Suck it up girlie…. wait for breakfast. SO I did… I drank my water, had my porridge for breakfast, and then a “highlights” instant hot choc (only 40 cal a mug). So far so good this morning.

This week, I’m only going to focus on 2 things to change -

1.  No alcohol. At all. No question and no excuses. I have to break this cycle because it’s only hurting me. I’m a nicer, more positive person without it. Even with Mom up this weekend and she’ll want to drink wine, I have to be strong……

2. NO CHOCOLATE AND BISCUITS AT WORK!!!! None…. nada. I plan to blog in 7 days time and say I had no chocolate or biscuits at work.

So… just these two changes for this week. That’s all. I’m going to make just these changes and stick by them. After a week, I’m going to add one more to the list. Only one. Bit by bit.

Thanks a million for all the support yesterday. I really needed it.

This is how I’ve felt since Sunday. It’s just been one binge after another after another…. it’s ridiculus. Part of me knows why… it’s the 1st time ever I’ve had the place I live in to myself, where no one would see how much food and wine I bring in to the house and how much I eat and drink. I can just eat all I want to eat, and throw away the evidence before anyone sees, so there’s no embarressment. Cathal’s gone home for a week because he’s on mid term break… so I have the apartment to myself. So far this week…. I cant even go into describing how bad the binges have been. Ok no…. I have to be honest with myself here. i have to put it out there. I have to let others know and stop trying to ignore it.

I have had pizza…. twice…. I ordered Dominos…. with a starter of wedges, on Saturday and Sunday. I have drunk so much wine, it’s actually embarressing to admit to how much….. God, this is tough…… 2 bottles of red wine, 1 and half bottles of white (I dumped the oter half down the sink this morning and then took all the bottles to the bottle bank to get them out of the house and out of my sight). I also drank a can of larger (I dont even know why… I dont like the stuff) and 4 bottles of beer…..

My head is screwed up this week. People see me and think I’m such a happy go lucky type of person…. bubbly, smiley…. but I feel so screwed up this week.

A lot’s happened this week too. The marathon I was training for came and went on Monday… I barely left my house. i couldnt watch any of it because I felt so bad not being able to run in it. Some of ye know about my baby sister coming up to stay with me for a weekend and how excited I was about it…just her and me and my other sister who lives up here. Well, that weekend is this coming weekend. And instead of looking forward to it now, I’m dreading it… why?

Well, my Mother phoned last weekend and told me she was coming up with my sister on Friday…. she said that she was going to be up in Dublin anyway on Sunday for a Knit and Stitch show, so she might as well come up with Saoirse and avail of the lift from Cathal on Friday. I feel sick even thinking about it. This was supposed to be our weekend… the sisters….. not anyone else. Even Cathal was making himself scarce for that weekend. Now instead, I have my Mother tagging along, acting strained. My baby sister was really looking forward to the weekend away from her too. Now instead of 2 whole days of just us girls… we will only have about 4 hours alone on Sunday when we go to the zoo and she goes to that show.

I really wanted this weekend with my sister. I really did.

I cant concentrate today. I dont want to work. I cant study for my exam next Thursday. I feel sick even thinking about it.

Today really isnt a good day.

Sorry, I wont be getting to blogs… i just cant today. Maybe tomorrow.

Right so, I’ve been MIA for the past few days here, and havent written a blog in aaaaaaaaaaaaages, so here’s a quick one just to fill ye in.

Moved in with Cathal… we’ve already had a row over the laundry (he wanted to keep damp clothes in the bathroom… I didnt… I won)… but other than that, it has been the best decision I have made so far this year. He has been fantastic. Even went down to have a row with a bike mechanic who ripped me off yesterday…. he has just been brilliant. AND his healthy eating has been rubing off on me. He doesnt do take-aways, or Dominos pizza, so we’ve been eating all home cooked meals (he’s been doin most of the cookin, I do the cleaning up!). It’s great having our own friends over, and at the end of the night, it’s just the two of us… perfect.

I’m having to cycle now a lot more because I live further from work. All the cycling is having an effect on my ass… Cathal slapped it the other day, and had to do it again… saying I’ve gotten harder!! Ha ha ha ha! AND I’ve decided to bite the bullet and start swimming. Going to face my fear of people seeing me in my swim suit. I’m going to ask Cathal to teach me to swim with my head in the water.. I learnt to swim like a lifeguard with a water-safety group… so head up.

So it’s all go!!! College is going brilliant. I’ve started the research project, and the Doctor I’m working with said he’ll keep working with me for the rest of my degree, I’ll get mentioned in publications and presentations… AND he has contacts who will help me get into Clinical Psychology when I finish!!! It has been a brilliant weekend so far!

Ok… so I said I’d include some pics of our new place… I love it!!! It’s tough to keep tidy cuz himself keeps throwing stuff around the place… but I’ll train him yet… bit by bit!!!!

It’s a Bank Holiday weekend over here, so I’ll catch up on blogs tomorrow.. have to input data from questionnaires today… want to finish it!

Later buddies!!!

 Sitting Room

 Sitting Room

 Kitchen

 Bedroom, and most of my shoes!!!

Bedroom

I havent written a blog in the last 2 days… but have looked through most of the blogs… Leida, I meant to comment on yours but I ran out of time at work… ye have snow already?! We had our 1st proper snow in Dublin in 8 years… about 2cm… and I loved it when it was falling… but the mushy sludge and the slippy ice when it was thawing was a pain in the butt… literally!!!!

 Ok… onto my question before bedtime, because it’s almost 11pm over here now… . why are there so many food ads in between programmes at night? Ads for Dominos, cereal, fast food, sprite…… if I want to watch tv at night, I have to look at these ads, which in turn act as triggers to my binging. You know the way there’s a watershed for profanity on tv? Well, why dont they have one for fast food/food ads…. like…. say ….. no food ads etc after 8pm? Most of us who binge (me included) are more likely to do this in the evening around then. If our Governments are so intersted in addressing obesity, heart disease etc… why do they allow ads like these which act as triggers for the majority of us, to be on tv, at times of the day that we are more likely to binge on those foods?!!!!

SO crazy.

I should bring this up with my local TD (politician)… we’re going to have elections here soon (because our country’s gone to pot and our Government is killing us slowly)…. so maybe….. if I give him/her my vote…. they might bring a motion to Leinster House…. hmmmmm…….!!!! Interersting thought though!!!

Ohhh…. and I found out tonight that I’ve been accepted as an “aid” on a research project with the head of my School of Psychology!!! I’m going to be inputting data for them for a presentation their doing for the PSI (Psychology Society of Ireland)……. was talking to her today and she gave me the great news!!!! She also said that if I do this for them, then there will be plenty more projects that I’ll be considered for…. which is FANTASTIC for my CV!!!! I’m so excited… the more stats I do, the more I realise I like them and I like research!!!

Oh… and for those of you who care…. I dumped the diaries.

I started keeping written diaries when I was about 12 years old. I would write about what happened in my day, my obsession with my weight, my fears of my Mom and her weighing me etc… and I’d have cut out pictures of skinny celebs and models I wanted to look like. All I wanted was skinny arms and a flat tummy.

Last night when I was packing my books and deciding what was going to be thrown out and what would come with me to the new apartment, I came across diaries that I kept through college. I flicked through them and so many memories came back. I remembered when I became obsessed with exercise, how it helped me maintain my weight eventhough I binged so much. I remembered how insecure and sad I was all the time when i was in college. I remembered at one stage, in 1st year when I was living on campus, sitting down on the ground beside my full length mirror, looking at my tummy fall out over my pants and feeling so upset with myself. I was the fat one. I was so sad all the way through college. I see that now. I had no life then. All I did was train, go to college, train so more, study and train! I would go to the gym in the morning for an hour or 2, do a taekwon-do class in the evening and another hour in the gym after the class. With all that, I maintained my weight…. which goes to show you how bad my binging was.

I dont know whether or not to keep these diaries. There are some really good memories in them too. Like when I was selected for the Irish team, the international trips I went away with them on, my holiday in Corfu with 2 of my best friends…. the 1st time I ever met Cathal is in one of them too (I was going out with a loser at the time). I’m starting a new chapter of my life this weekend, and I’m just wondering, should I bring these diaries with me, or bin them?

Went to the physio today after my gym session this morning. my hamstring is well and truely in bits. All my trigger points in my hamstring, hip adductors, abductors and gluts, my TFL and ITB band were all inflammed. She spent 30 minutes doing trigger point therapy on them and I broke out into a sweat with the pain of it. Now, it did loosen me up a bit, but it was so sore. I’m not allowed to run again for another month. My Physio is gone for a month now, but she’s booked me in with another physio in the clinic for dry needling (acupuncture) to see if it helps. I’ve never had this before, but I studied it in college when I did Physio, and it does work in the majority of cases. My injury now is driving me nuts. It’s been 6 weeks and no improvement. I’m going to have to take all your advice that you’ve given me in the last few posts, and actually pluck up the courage to put on a swim suit and go to a public pool. I’ll tell Cathal this…. put up with him saying “I told you so” and get him to come with me. He used to be a lifeguard so he’s well able to swim… heck, I used to be a beach lifeguard too so I should have no problem with the water!! It’s just the thought of people seeing me in a swim suit. I dont even own one!

Right… better go do some work… Later!!!

My 1st love died on Saturday night. I woke up on Sunday morning to a text from my baby sister to tell me that Stephen Gately from Boyzone (an irish boyband) died in Spain Saturday night from unknown causes. He was only 33. I fell in love with him the 1st time I saw him on the Late Late Show in 1997 (eventhough it was a really embarressing performance by the boyz!). Even when he came out and said he was gay, I loved him… well, more his voice then!!! And really cute!

Anyway, this weekend was great. I was so worried on Friday about meeting my landlady about the Gas bill. I ended up giving out to her about it, and she apologised for witholding the bills and agreed that I pay less than I owe, I get my full deposit back, AND I dont have to pay this months rent!!!!!!! I was so exhausted after that meeting though, that I really did not want to go out to my friend’s going away do. He was going travelling for 9 months. When I told Cathal I didnt want to go out and see anyone or make conversation with anyone (I was also feeling very emotional and a bit low) he got really cross. Well, he didnt shout or anything, but he got really quiet, and I could sense the tension. We talked it through, I explained how I felt, and he said that I really should make the effort because I wouldnt see this guy for so long, and he didnt want me to spend the evening on the couch or in bed feeling like this. That I needed to get out and be around other people.

He was right. It was good to see all my taekwon-do friends, some of whom I hadnt seen in months! And the guy who was leaving was delighted I came out. i used to be his instructor and coached him to his World Championship gold medal. After the guys moved on to another pub, we stayed where we were because 2 of Cathal’s friends that he used to work with (he used to kiss one of them too!) came in to meet him. I wasnt drinking because I had my driving lesson in the morning, but the others were. Signs were I had to practically drag Cathal home at 12am… I had a headache, and was tired, and getting cranky!

Next morning I had my 1st ever driving lesson!!!! I was soooooooooooooooo nervous. My instructor was brilliant though and I’ll have him for the rest of my lessons until i take my test (6 months time). we started in a housing estate, and then he brought me out onto the main road for a while. in the 2 hours of driving, I only conked out twice, and he only had to grab the steering wheel 3 times to stop me from crashing into something!!! He said I did good for a nervous beginner… but then again, he has to say that!!!!

Sunday, Cathal and I spent the day together. It was so nice. We talked about the new apartment we’re moving into and then he told me that he was having a weekend where he just really loved me….. awwwwwwwwww. My heart melted when he said that. He’s getting so much more romantic and thoughtful these days. Seriously love that guy.

So… food wise…. I wasnt spectacularly good… and did have a bit to drink on Sunday, but it was a lot better than usual.

So that’s the story. Starting this week on a high. I’m going to weigh in tomorow to see how I’m doing with losing those 4lbs I gained last week. I gain easily, and it takes me weeks then to shed the pounds I put on seemingly over night!

Some of ye know I’m being weaned off anti-depressants at the minute. I’m on week three of this, and only taking one every 3 days….. I didnt realise how this would affect me. I am so anxious at the minute and very emotionally volitile. Kinda like how I was before I went on the tablets 7 months ago. Dont get me wrong, I feel really good and no way low like I was months ago. But my thoughts are racing, I can feel that. It kinda feels like a high feels when you’re bi-polar.. so I’m afraid I’ll hit a low soon and crash.

But this anxiety is really horrible. it’s at it’s worst today. But there’s a lot going on. I told my landlady I’m moving out, and now she tells me that she has this massive gas bill to give us. She had a dispute with the Gas board, and didnt give us any bills to pay since January 2009. SO now that I’m moving out, she wants ME to pay the bill, because the other 2 who should be paying their share have moved out already, and the new girls in the house dont have a share or a major share of the bill. She’s catching me because I’m the last of the old tenants to move out. I emailed the girl who recently moved out, and she basically told me to deal with it, that she doesnt want any part of it and she would contact the landlady herself and pay a month or 2 of it… ITS A 9 MONTH BILL!!!! The other guy left in March and is in Germany and we cant contact him, so cant do anything about that. I asked my b/f to be there tonight to act as my support when i talk to the landlady about this, and he said he would call over, but while were talking in the kitchen, he will stay in the sitting room because he would feel uncomfortable listening to this.

I feel like I’m having a melt down

I dont know whether it would be better to agree a lower payment on the gas bill out of my deposit, and just not pay the months rent, or just relay my rights to her and fight her on this. I talked to one of my Directors at work about it because he has a legal background, and those were his options that he gave me.

Sorry, I know this isnt about weightloss, but I’m having really bad anxiety, I feel like I could cry any minute, nobody understands and I’ve no support here… no one to talk to about this….. I cant deal with it. And then on top of that I’m worried that this anxiety and excess-emotion is something I have to get used to again, because this is who I am without the medication…… I cant afford to stay on the medication long term, but I cant live with feeling as volatile as this either.

I dont know what to do.

Oh and to top it all off…. I ate 3 bourbon cream biscuits when I got that email off my “friend”… and I dont even like them!!!!

What will I be like tomorrow when I take my 1st driving lesson?!

Got on the scale this morning and I was back up to 151lbs. I knew it. My clothes were feeling tighter. My rolls more pronounced. I stood on the scale and thought to myself “I’m just sick of this sh*t”. I cant workout to the same level as I used to because of this stupid hamstring. What I CAN do in the gym I find incredibly boring (cross trainer and bike) and it’s soul distroying getting on the machine and wanting to get off because you’re so bored, but yet know you have to stay on for so long. It’s like a battle in my head. And I hate it. i never, ever thought I’d say this… But I hate working out right now. I hate not being able to run. i hate feeling so bloody sore when I’m doing so little compared to what I used to do.

I’m having a bad day…. could you guess?!

I know I’m a week late to start Loni’s 30day challenge, but I decided to give it a go yesterday. On the day I was supposed to eat 1100 cal I ended up eating 2029 cal…. wtf? I am totally slacking and need a kick in the arse BIG time. Today I’ve had 481 cal so far and it 2:15pm. No lunch for me because I had to work through it to finish at 4:30pm so I can put the deposit down on the apartment my b/f and I are moving into. It’s really nice and I cant wait to move in together now. So instead of a healthy lunch, I had 2 shortbread cookies (200 cal for the 2), a bottle of Pepsi Max (I’m exhausted… needed the caffeine, and it’s only 3 cal for the entire bottle) and now I’m having a gorgeous fruity herbal tea. Which is really helping me fill up. I’ve another herbal tea in my bag and I might make that before I leave work and put it in my water bottle to keep me going. AND I’ve prepared today and packed a banana and 2 apples as snacks just in case I get an attack of the munchies when I’m in town and I’m tempted to pop into “Insomnia” for one of their gorgeous coffees or sandwiches….. they make the best prawn sandwiches… and their paninis are to die for!!!

Right… snap out of it girl… cop yourself on.

Well, ok… going to read some blogs now to help pull me out of this funk……. later!

As some of you know, I have a serious addiction to Dominos Pizza. If I could eat it everyday and even several times a day, I would. It got to the stage where I would get a phone call from my Domino’s restaurant asking me if I had found a problem with their service if I didnt order in 2 weeks! So, usually I allow myself one Dominos pizza (small) and one starter (usually the wedges) a week.. on a Saturday… to eat while watching the X Factor or something like that. Well, this Saturday I didnt think to order. But yesterday, I wanted pizza. The X Factor which is now on Saturday AND Sunday nights has a Dominos ad before and after all their ads.. so the que was there for the craving.

But I didnt order!!! I made a homemade chicken curry instead, and only ate a half portion of it, keeping the other half for my lunch today!!!!

Successssssssssssss!!!!!!!

My b/f and I were apartment hunting this weekend. We saw 3 apartments, and I really liked the 2nd one. It’s in a nice, quiet area, close to all the shops and you can walk into the city centre in 30 minutes. And if you dont want to walk, there are 3 different buses to take you there and they run really regularly. Only little problem is that the flat itself doesnt have a wachine machine/dryer (but there are facilities in the building) and we’re not sure if we control the amount of hot water we get (because the central heating is in the rent and controlled by the landlord)….. so I gave my b/f the estate agents number and he PROMISED me he’d phone this morning to check this out or request a second viewing. I really like the place though, and it’s an alright place for us because it’s our first place and we’re both not making great money at the minute. It’s all so exciting and seeming more real now!

No gym this morning, I was just too exhausted. And I’ve pulled my calf from all the walking we did this weekend. Its on the same leg as my torn hamstring, so I think the injured hamstring is the cause of the pulled calf. This hamstring is driving me nuts. 5 weeks now, and all sorts of other injuries are cropping up because of it. It;s starting to feel like it’s never ending and I’ll have this hamstring pain for the longterm, which is a bit disheartening.

Ok… enough of that…

My baby sister is coming up to me end of this month!!! I have to take the Friday off work and go down to Tralee on the train (4 hour journey), pick her up in Tralee and then get the next train back (another 4 hour journey). This really shouldnt be necessary because the girl is now 11 years old and could make the journey herself, especially on a direct train… but nope, Mom wants me on the train with her. Ah sure, I dont mind really once I can have my little sister up here for the weekend! We’re planning shopping on  Saturday with a girlie night in watching Twilight Saturday night and then the zoo on Sunday before we meet Mom at the train station (she’s coming up for one day to go to a “Knit and Stitch” show) and then the 2 of them will go down together. I’m so excited! I’ve been planning this for months! Just had to get the ok from Mom, which she finally did give this weekend!

This weekend I got a bit of a shock though. My 2nd youngest sister (she’s 21 and in college in Trinity in Dublin) texted to see if I wanted to meet for lunch in our usual haunt. Course I jumped at the offer. It’s good to see her when I can. She’s so busy this year because she’s in final year and on placement. My b/f met us after a while in the coffee shop. She landed me with a shocker. My heart sank and I felt sick when she said that the last time she was home, she and Mom found out about the texts Dad was sending to this other woman. They both suspected an affair, but Mom doesnt want to believe it. She said Mom got all upset, but then pulled herself together. Mom wont talk to dad about it, just in case she’s making a mistake and would make things worse between them. Dearbhla (my sister that I met for coffee) got really upset when she was telling me this. And then she asked me if I knew anything about it. I had to tell her that I did know. It felt horrible. Really really horrible. But a relief too knowing that I could talk to her about it. She said she told our other sister (the girl just younger than me) and she chose to ignore it… which is typical by her. She’s away in her own little world and if it doesnt directly affect her, then she doesnt want to know about it.

But the secrets out now.. well… kinda… Mom’s choosing to ignore it for the moment. Was wierd talking to Dad after talking with Dearbhla…. I dont know what to do. I’m totally stuck between a rock and a hard place at the minute. I hadnt planned on going home for a stay until Christmas but I may have to go home a little earler than planned. We’ll see.