LittleFlower

I realised that I do most of my eating at night, when I’m bored and have nothing to do. I got a call from a girl who was on the Irish team with me, asking me if I’d given up training for a while. She’d been slackening off too. So we both decided to go to training at least twice a week and ease ourselves back into the mayhem! It’s handy because she drives, so I can get a lift most of the way to the class with her (it’s about 20km from where I live).

Ok so, back to my revelation. I have to find something to do with my evenings to prevent me from eating rounds of toast and other rubbish. Tag rugby will take up one evening when we’re trainng and 2 evenings when we’ve matches (starting 26th June). Taekwon-do will be 2-3 evenings a week (once I get my ass in gear and go to class!). And the other evenings I figure either gym, ot spend it with my boyfriend.

That’s what I did last night. Instead of snacking for the evening, I went over to his place around 7pm and stayed there for the evening. I never feel like eating over in his place, so it works out well! He’s been having a rough time the last few weeks. Kids in the school he teaches are monsters. The teachers have gotten bitchy with each other (females picking on the males… childish stuff). One of his male friends on staff found out this week that he doesnt have a job at the school next year (cutbacks).

So my boyfriend has decided to pack in his job. He doesnt have a clue what he wants to do and is thinking about a career change. To what, he doesnt know. He’ll be paid for his summer holidays because his contract runs out in August, so he has the summer to find something. I was helping him with his CV last night. His head’s all over the place, and he’s not taking any form of advice kindly at all!

One thing that worried me is that he’s not confining his job hunting to Dublin. He was thinking about looking in Galway too, because he went to college there and liked the city. My heart actually stopped when I heard that. Galway’s on the other side of the country. It’s really tough to get to, because public transport’s rubbish in the West. I’m starting college end of September so I wouldnt be able to move with him if he did move.

Slow down girl…. deep breaths….. he hasnt even started job hunting yet……

Anyway….. it’s practically the weekend. It’s now 11:35am here in Dublin, and I’m finishing work at 1pm! Thought Iw as picking Dad up at the train station, but turns out he drove the wockity old Golf all the way up to Dublin…. from Kerry….. that’s 6 hours on the road!! Ha ha…. can just imagine it now. This car is so old.. but he refuses to sell it because he loves Golfs and says they’re really reliable! Turns out my sister decided to come up to Dublin with him… partly because her friend’s having a 21st tonight and she wants to surprise her, and also partly because I refused to buy her foundation that she can ONLY get in Brown Thomas (fancy shop on Grafton Street - too fancy for me so I refused to go in…. they actually have a doorman out front who wont let you in unless you’re suitably dressed!). Madness.

So taking Dad and possibly my sister out for dinner when they get up here, and before Dad and I go to see Celine Dion in Croke Park. Already googled restuarants in Dublin City Centre and their menus, so I know exactly where we’re going and what I’m ordering. AND I have a back up plan in case this place is full!

Right so… better do some work! Thank Crunchy it’s Friday!!

I read Anj’s blog last night, and it set something off within me. A realisation that I wasnt being realistic. I realised that my goal weight really wasnt a healthy one for me to achieve. What was I thinking? If I got down to 110lbs, I’d be too skinny, more than likely grumpy because I’d be hungry, and unbearable to live with. Being that light would make me miserable.

So I sat down and had a good think for myself.

Am I happy now?

Yes.

Do I like me for who I am now?

Yes.

So why on earth do I want to lose weight just to make myself fit it with the unrealistic norm out there? What would be a healthy weight for me to be at.

9 stone. That’s 126lbs. And that’s what I set my goal weight to this morning.

I want to be healthy, not too skinny and miserable.

Thanks Anj!

So… this week I’ve slipped a wee bit…. eh….. just not watching what I was eating. Doing slimfast, but having toast with my meal bar at lunch and my main meal was definately adding up to 600cal which is a bit much for late at night.

So I gave myself a kick in the bum this morning as I stood on the scale and took a sneaky peak (I’m where I was last week). I’ve written down all that I will eat today and worked out the calories. Then just to give myself a bit of a pick-me-up, I’ll have another sneaky peak at the scales tomorrow morning to see what a day of staying on track does to the number.

But I’m not discouraged. I’m actually pretty happy at the minute. My weight counter says 9lbs lost which is the most I’ve lost at one time EVER!!! Normally I lose, and then gain, and lose and then gain over and over and over again. This time, I’m more than ready to kick my own ass (I’ve been working on the old flexibility) if I mess things up. I’ve got a strong enough kick too…. The plan now is - finish this week with slimfast. Then do 2 weeks of weightwatchers points and then 2 weeks of weightwatchers core and then repeat the cycle. Might help with the boredom, which is starting to creep in.

Anyhew…. enough nonsence. Went to see the new Indiana Jones film last night with himself. He got popcorn and a fizzy drink. Everyone in the cinema was eating popcorn or nachos VERY loudly (I hate it when people eat with their mouth open and you can hear them crunch food…. really really hate it). I sat there with empty hands and a tummy saying it wanted popcorn. But I resisted. I didnt even take some of my boyfriends, eventhough he kep  his bag on his lap, with the opening facing me so I could smell it… ! The film wasnt great to be honest. I got the impression that Stephen Spielberg decided to make another one just for the heck of it, and he likes aliens and like Shila LeBoeuf (who was brilliant in it, as per usual). Yeah, I wouldnt hold my breath for a 5th one…..

Today at work is BOOORRRRING. Such a change from the last few days. Oh, and I did win the battle with the photocopier in the end. I ended up having to manually feed in 780pages to the scanner…. it took an hour and half….. say no more. On a plus note, I get to finish at 4:30pm today instead of 5:30pm (going to an info evening at the college I’m starting in at September) AND my half day on Friday has been approved because I’ve worked up 4 extra hours. AAAAND this weekend is a long weekend in Ireland!!!! Oh que la vie est belle!

Tag rugby is starting up in work on Thursday. 6:15pm to 7:15pm after work. Should be good craic. I’ve never played rugby before. With tag, it’s all about speed, so the lads say. Oh and if a guy gets a try, the team gets 1 point. But if a girl gets a try, the team gets 3 points! I’ve been told that I’m the main gal in the team because I run…. eh…. none of them have ever seen me run….. sure, I’ll give it a go anyway.

Today is rough at work. I’m having a row with the photocopier/scanner…and it’s winning. Had to step away from it before I blacked out from rage. Lack of sleep really puts me on a short string. Woke up this morning at 5am to the sound of a little bird singing it’s little heart out. Awwww I hear you say. Well, imagine me waking up to hear this little pest after 5hrs sleep. There’s a scene in the film “Failure to Launch” where a couple shoot a mocking bird with a beebee gun….. what I wouldnt do to have that by my bed at 4am when that darn bird wakes up and keeps singing until 6.30am when I leave the house.

So today is stressful. And I only had a half hour for lunch because I’m trying to make up time to take an hour off on Wednesday and a half day on Friday. Just a few moments ago I ate my snack for the afternoon…. and it’s only 3:30pm!!!! How will I last until 5:30pm without eating again?! It was a small snack…. miniscule.

Right….. I better go have words with that scanner… it may take me the 2 hours just to get it sorted and the 780 page document scanned! fun FUN!

And the positivity is ongoing. This weekend just gone was such a great one. Friday night with the Bruce Springsteen concert, Saturday night at my friends bbq (I didnt eat there, I had dinner before I went and just went to meet up with the girls) and after the bbq, I went in to town to meet up with my boyfriend and his friends in the pub. They had been out since 2pm watching the Heinken Cup Final (rugby final… Munster won…….YEEEAAAYYYY!!!!) and had then gone to Croke Park for the Ireland soccer match. So by the time I met them at 11:30pm, they were on their last legs.

Being the sensible one in the group, I made sure there were pints of water galore on the table for the lads and myself. Boy, were they glad I did that the next morning…. they were all still hanging, but at least no one was sick!

Yesterday was lovely. Spent the morning and afternoon with my boyfriend and his friends, and then spent the evening watching gaelic football on the telly with himself…perfect.

So I’m all set for another fantastic week. Dad’s coming up to stay with me on Friday night. We’re going to see Celine Dion in Croke Park on Friday night and really looking forward to it. And next weekend’s another Bank Holiday weekend, so I’ll have the following Monday off…. fantastic!

One kinda crappy thing did happen at the weekend though…… In my last blog I told ye how I finally fit into a size 10 (US size 8 ) and how happy I was…. how I was finally beginning to accept the “new me”. Well, when Dad phoned for our weekly chat, he put Mom on the line after he was finished. I was still so happy with my progress, that I gushed about how I had fitted into a size 10 and was so happy. BIG mistake. She said that it was disgusting. She said that I shouldnt be losing weight. She went on and on…. in the end I just put the phone down and only picked it up when I heard it was silent on her end. I had to bite my tongue and not remind her how she is the same height as myself, and a size 10 too.

I felt awful when I hung up. And then I thought…. to hell with her. To be honest, if you listen to sabotaging people like that, you WILL fail. You have to listen to yourself, be happy with yourself, and not give a damn what other people think of you. Some people just dont like change. If they see a change in you, it somehow causes cognitive dissonance in their own heads (this is my theory anyway!) and they will do everything in their power to make you fail, go back to the way you were, thus re-establishing the “norm” for them.

To be honest, it would have been great to have gotten a thumbs up from Mom…. considering she’s the one who started me dieting in the 1st place when I was 11 years old. But I’m a big girl now….. I dont need her approval. BUT…. I cant WAIT to get to my goal weight, go home, and show her how great I feel and how great I look.

Weighed in today….another pound gone!! I’ve lost 9lbs so far and it’s been fantastic! Had a rough start where I regained all the weight I lost, but I think I’ve got it figured out now! Today while I was shopping, I found myself thinking about what pizza topping would I order this evening before my night out. I stoped myself. Checked my thoughts. I mean, really checked them. I’ve never done this before.

I asked myself as I was in the changing room at Next…. why on earth am I doing this? Why do I work so hard Monday to Friday, only to mess things up from Friday evening until Sunday evening?

And then I thought to myself….. what is it about the pizza that I really love and really want. And it’s the cheese.

So, I went food shopping, and got skinless chicken breasts and low fat mozzerella cheese (only about 130cal per serving!). I decided that I can cure my cheese craving with chicken and mozzerella cheese, roasted and then eaten with a gorgeous salad…. and maybe a wrap. Major break through. Now, I’m not saying that I wont still crave pizza after at some stage during the night (it’s just pure habit to have one or two pizzas at the weekend), but I now know that I dont really want one. I just want the cheese.

Oh, and today, it was so hot in town. Loads of people were walking around with yummy looking icecream cones. So before I knew it, I was in an ice cream queue in Thorntons Chocolate shop. When I got to the freezer, I didnt order my usual 1 scoup of mint choc….. I got a scoup of pomegrant and blueberry sorbet instead. You know what… it was gorgeous. Really refreshing and just what the doctor ordered for such a hot day.

Oh and the BEST thing that happened this weekend (which is probably what prompted the soul searching talk I had with myself in the dressing room in Next)…. is that I tried on my 1st size 10 jeans (US size 8)… and they FIT!!!!!! My bum most definately did NOT look big in them! For the 1st time EVER I was happy with how I looked. Something in my clicked. I’m finally ready to accept the new me.

For all of ye out there who are only starting out… or who feel that they have a surmountable mountain to climb before that lttle “switch” goes off for you…. NEVER give up. It’s taken me 6 years to get to this point. I’ve had my ups and downs…. lots and lots of downs. It is a case of having to take it one day at a time. Weightloss is not easy. It is a journey during which you WILL find yourself again.

Never give up. Every pound gone, is a pound closer to your goal.

Hope everyone is having a fantastic weekend!

P.S. Went to see Bruce Springsteen last night in Dublin and he was freaking AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!! Best concert I’ve been to in years! And he sounds way better live. Does the man age? I think he’s defied that, because he really IS super human! I’ve “Dancing in the Dark” ringing in my head now… going to go dance around a bit and then read a few blogs after!

This morning I got most of the morning jobs done in the office before I took the time to read through the blogs written last night while I was out cold.

I had a mini revelation whilst reading the blogs. Weightloss isn’t just about taking pounds off you and making yourself look skinnier and more like “the norm” (whatever that is now). Weightloss is a journey where-by you change youself from the inside out. That last sentence really gets me thinking about how am I changing. What subtle changes have I made to my life since I started this 3 months ago?

When I started out with Buddyslim, I have to say I was taken aback by all the then strangers being so supportive, so forgiving, so understanding.. always there to pick me up when I stumbled and to help me through the really tough times.

I started out here with one goal in mind…. lose weight. Alot of weight. Since then, my goals have changed, as have I. Three months ago I was an empty shell. I was merely surviving day after day, and doing nothing with myself. My life just seemed pointless. I felt useless. Blogging and the support here has changed me.

Now I get up every morning with a purpose. I set daily goals to achieve, and I give myself a little pat on the back everytime I complete one. I feel better about myself, about my past, even about my Mom. I’m happier, more confident and more….. content with myself. I’m learning to accept the person I am, and to acknowledge the changes that are happening to me.

Thanks to all my buddies, and this site, I’m slowly changing from the inside out. I think I’m ready to love my life to it’s full potential now, and to be thankful for every day that’s been given to me.

Today has been absolutely nuts at work. All the really rotten work that Ive been putting on my very long finger, is having to get done…. and I’m really not liking it! But, then I tihnk to myself, it could be so much worse…. I could still be in my old job, getting sick from stress, absolutely miserable day in- day out.

Today in the gym I thought of something and just want to put it out to ye for yer comments:

We’re all here to change our physical appearance by losing weight. BUT, if you were asked today, what one part of yourself are you most happy with… just one…. what would it be?

For me it’s my legs. I love running and taekwon-do, so they’re pretty strong and shaped. Had a “leg war” with my boyfriend last night (yes, I do have a tendency to act like a 4yr old at times) and I won hands down!

I think it’s improtant that we all have one part of ourselves that we feel happy and comfortable with. The other bits will come with time.

This morning in the gym was so much fun. A few of the girls from my office work out there before work with me. I used to prefer working out by myself…. getting lost in my own world. But that was when I was anti-social. Now I’m delighted to see some of the girls there so I can chat away to them if I want. I even find myself talking to total strangers in the changing rooms… Well I tend to see the same faces every morning. There’s only about 15 of us who religiously go to the gym for 7am every morning!

Well, today at work one of the girls told me I was fading away, that I had lost a load of weight. I’m not good with compliments. They just make me feel very uncomfortable. So I said thanks and quickly changed the subject.

This weekend, my boyfriend also noticed a change. I was sitting on the couch, and whatever way he looked at me, he said “your jeans are falling off you…. have you lost weight again?”

I have to explain this….. he doesnt want me to lose weight. In fact, he gets worried everytime I look like I’ve lost some. I lost too much weight too quickly when I was training for the Worlds last summer and got really sick looking. He’s afraid I’ll go down that path again. I havent told him that I’m on a diet, because he would only get cross, and worried, and he has enough on his plate at the moment.

If he asks again, then I’ll tell him I’m watching what I eat…. but that I’m not doing what I did last summer (eating only 700cal a day and working out 2.5 hours a day). I’m doing this in a healthy way this time and that I feel absolutely fantastic!

I only wish I could see the changes in myself that everyone else appears to be seeing. I suppose that recognition will come with time.

Yesterday was a good day….

Good morning work out, quiet enough day at work, stuck to my eating plan 100% with NO slip ups (have to make up for the weekend of badness I had!). My boyfriend’s sick though. Cant tell whether it’s his heart or stress or that he’s just generally run down. He said he was all dizzy yesterday and not himself…. which is definately not like him. He takes such good care of himself, I’ve never known him to be sick! But it’s coming close to exam time, and his 2 exam classes were brats this year…. so he’s under a bit of pressure to make sure he holds up his end of the teaching bargin…. the kids are screwed (for the most part) in their exams… but it’s their own fault.

I’m not exagerating when I say the school he teaches in is hell on earth. Students have attacked teachers, thrown chairs at them, let off tear gas in classrooms….. it’s one place where a bit of good old fashioned, controlled, corporal punishment wouldnt go astray. Students cant be expelled anymore…. how daft is that?! They can be strongly urged to consider education in another estabishment…. but they cant be officially expelled.. well… they can….. but it takes over a year to do this! Crazy………. I wouldnt be a teacher if you paid me a fortune to do so…. well, not in Dublin anyway.

So my poor boyfriend phoned last night and he sounded awful. He couldnt even really speak. I wanted to go over and pamper him a bit, but he said to stay put…. he was in bad form. Fair enough…. when I get like that, the last thing I want is people around me. I wont see him now until Friday (going to see Bruce Springsteen!)…. hope today goes a bit better for him.

Mom phoned last night. For those of you who read my earlier blogs on my other account, you will know that I have a very strained relationship with my Mom… and you’ll know why. She only ever phones when she wants something, or if there’s something she’s done and she wants to tell me about it.

Last night it was about her Belarussian crusade. Ok - background story - about 17years ago we started taking in kids from Chernobyl for a summer holiday. It was organised by a group in Tralee (that’s in Co. Kerry, where I’m from). And to be honest, those 3 weeks every summer were the highlight of the summer holidays when we were growing up. Mom was always on her best behaviour, I had girls I could hang around with and it was such fun! Well, Mom got really into this, and in a year or two she was elected PRO for the groupin Tralee. She spent all her spare time campaigning for the group, trying to raise as much money as possible in order tog et as many children over here as possible for a holiday every summer.

In the beginning, it was fantastic. She did an amazing job. The group would never have gotten as much publicity if it weren’t for her. But then… things changed a bit. Mom started making independant trips over to Chernobyl, which the group were 100% against. She wasnt acomplishing any more going over there, than if she continued to campaign at home. More funds were going towards her trips, and she was also fundraising herself locally…. which meant when the group tried to fund raise for the kids coming up to the summer, people were slower to put their hands in their pockets again.

The group turned against Mom. She became bitter about all that happened, and left the group. She still goes over to Chernobyl once a year by herself. This year she took one of my sisters with her. When they came back Mom was all talk about how rough things are still over there etc etc…. when I asked my sister about it, she said things weren’t half as bad as Mom made it out to be. Most people had indoor toilets, schools had computers. She said it was like what Ireland was like back in the 70’s or so. Granted the kids are still sick and dieing…. cancer is rampent…. but people are happy. I’m convinced that Mom likes going over there becasue it makes her feel important. There is no other purpose to her trips.

Well, anyway….. last night she phoned, and from the tone of her voice (it goes all soft and feble-like when she starts talking on this subject) I knew she wanted to talk about Belarus. I was right. Turns out one of the women over there had written to her, and asked Mom if she would pay air fare for herself and her partner to come to Ireland for a week or 2 in August…. and put them up for the time. Mom was phoneing to make sure I wasnt coming home in August so they could have my room.

Enough said……….. I dont know whether or not the Belarussian lady was being cheeky asking out like that. I know their wages are terrible over there (any professional makes about $25 - $40 a month!) but still and all….. to outright ask for Mom to pay for their flights? I asked Mom if they would get permission to leave the country, if they had their visas organised, if they even had passports…. and Mom said she didnt know, but that they must have if they asked her to let them stay. Now, the thing is, getting things like permission to leave the country, visas and passports can take several months to organise over there because of the state the countrys in.

You know what…. I’m rambling. I was just a bit….. I dont know…. perplexed maybe by that conversation. I didnt know whether Mom wanted me to congratualte her on her humanitarian conquest that she was going to undertake this summer with these two…. or to remind her that she has a daughter in college and the €4,000-€5,000 she was going to spend on these people, would go very far next year (considering only Dad is working full time).

I dont know….. wow……. I have indeed rambled!

Really dont feel like working today…. but possible should, considering it’s what I’m here to do!