LittleFlower

Breakfast - 1 bowl porridge with skimmed milk (174 cal)

Mid morning snack - 1 banana (95cal)

Dinner - tuna (53cal), cheese (108cal), sweetcorn (39.27cal), onion (9.8cal), egg (65 cal) oil (39cal), mayo(11cal), Mushrooms (15cal), pepper (9.1cal), tomatoe (9.6cal), lo cal spray (4cal)

Mid afternoon snack - 1 apple (55cal)

After work snack - 1 yougurt (75cal), 1 slimfast bar(206cal)

Supper - 2 rhyvitta (32cal), 1/2 tblsp low fat mayo (6cal), tomatoes (5.2cal), cheese (108cal), oil (29cal)

Total calories - 1147.97 cal

Low calorie intake today… I know. But no exercise today. Did nothing more but sit on my bum at work.

So I went home to Kerry this weekend, and it was the best weekend I’ve had at home for years. Spent Saturday in town with my Dad and baby sister. We went to see Prince Caspian… fantastic film. As good as the 1st one. All 3 of us were spellbound by it! Funny to see my Dad so engrossed in a kids film!

Sunday was spent on the laptop with Dad, showing him how to edit his video taping, add music to it and burn DVDs… only took about 2 hours to go through the lot. Dad insisted on taking notes on EVERYTHING so he’d know how to do it when I went back to Dublin. He was absolutely delighted when we finished one DVD. It was breaking his heart that he couldnt figure it out. He even told me there was know way he would be able to do it. It’s a wonder what alot of poitivity will do though. By the end of it, he was doing the process himself. He spent the rest of the day with a big grin on his face! We watched the gaelic football matches after dinner…. brilliant.

Accountability-wise….. eh…… well….. I didnt eat that well…. but I only had tastes of the bad stuff and didnt binge once (which is a 1st for a weekend trip home). My clothes dont feel any tighter, so I’m not fretting about it!

On Saturday night, Mom and I had a very long chat over… eh….. 2 bottles of white wine. It’s about the only time she really really opens up, is over a glass or 3 of wine. It was an unbelieveable chat. I have to share it with ye, because I’m still moved and a bit in shock about it. I saw Mom as I’ve only seen her once before… very vulnerable.

She started off by saying how glad she was that I came home this weekend. She said that herself, Dad and my baby sister needed me at home, more than I knew. She said that she had noticed I had changed in the past few months, I was more open and warmer to her and everyone else in the family. I told her about Buddyslim. I told her I’ve been blogging here since March. I told her that I have opened my heart with my blogs, told my buddies EVERYTHING about my past. She was kinda shocked. She asked me if I even told ye about how she treated me… and I said I did, but that it was anonomous, so no one would know who I am, or who she was. I told her that blogging had helped me forgive her for the way she was, and to accept her for the person she is now. I told her I was so happy that my baby sister has a different upbringing than we did, that she is so happy, content and unafraid of Mom. Mom said she couldnt understand how I could forgive the way she was. She tried to explain why she was so abusive to us (money worries, stress, tiredness).  We kinda sat in silence for a while across the sitting room from each other then, using the tv as a distraction.

The she started asking me about my BF, and about marriage! I told her how we had talked about marriage a bit, and how the 2 of us wanted to go abroad, more than likely to Italy. She was delighted with that, and then asked who would I invite. I said only close relatives and best friends. She was quiet and then said how she didnt want me to invite her eldest brother. I asked her why not? I mean, I know he’s a bit up himself, and his family arent that close to anyone else in our family… but he was always good to me. THen she told me something that totally threw me. He abused her growing up….. that man put her through hell up until very recently (in the past year or so). He treatened to beat her up if she ever told anyone….. I’m still in shock thinking about it. I knew Mom had it tough growing up, her Dad was a raging alcoholic… but I didnt know about my uncle.

The shock and hatred I felt then is still with me. What Mom told me helps me understand even more why she did the things she did to us. Anyone having to keep that kind of past underwraps and not talk to anyone about it, would be driven to the end of their wits. All I could do then was hold my Mom as she told me more, and just tell her that I loved her. I havent said that and meant it in a very long time. I realised that this is why Mom needs me at home. Everytime I come home, she opens up a bit more to me. It’ll take time to rebuild what was broken so many years ago…. but we’re getting there.

So… anyway….. got back to Dublin Sunday night, happy out with a good weekend at home. Got off the bus, got to my door and realised my back felt very light.

I had left my bag on the bus!!!!!!

Panic!!!!

I ran up to the road and hailed a taxi. We raced the bus to it’s final stop. I was having palpatations, my hands were sweating… the taxi driver was brilliant. We got to the final bis stop just as the bus driver put on his “out of service”sign. There was my bag… in the front of the bus!

What a way to end the weekend! The taxi driver was laughing at me on the way home, especially when I told him I lost all my keys last weekend! “Must be love” he said…. “Must be” I said!

Hope everyone had a great weekend! Here’s to the week ahead! 

Hey guys, I’m back on track after 2 awful days emotional and food wise. Thank you so much for helping me pick myself up and shake all that horribleness off.

No gym today. BF stayed over and I was waaaaaayyyy to comfy to get up at 6:30am. So stayed in bed til 8am… and feel good now. I needed the sleep. And my hamstrings fairly sore after last night’s match.

So I’m heading home this afternoon to Kerry for the weekend. Wasnt going to after the dealings with Mom this week, but then my baby sister phoned last night and told me I’m taking her to see “Prince Caspian” on Saturday while Mom does the weekly food shopping in Tralee. A trip to the cinema is a rare treat where we live, because the nearest cinema’s 25 miles away!

So my BF, his aunt and I are driving down this evening, and I will be without internet access until Sunday evening when I get back to Dublin. We have internet at home, but it’s old dial up that disconnects every 5-10 minutes! And Mom wont let anyone on the internet without her say so. Ah well, it’s her house, and Dads!

Cant write too much today…. we’re having a fire drill at any moment and I’m this floor’s fire warden…. only been in the job 5 months and dont actually know how the fire exit takes us to the fire assembly point! ooopppss!

Anyway…. have a great weekend Buddies and I’ll catch up with blogs and such on Sunday.

P.s. Thanks again for all the support and the booster notes. I’ve never experienced any support like that before…. thanks again

Just wanted to say thank you so much to everyone who replied to my last blog. You guys picked me up in such a way ye’ll never know how. I feel so much better now….. it’s funny how a mood like that can suddenly switch off. So than you buddies…. thank you

Oh and we had our 1st tag match….. and lost by 4 points. If a girl scores a try, it’s worth 3 points to the team, A guys try is worth 1. I got a try… but it was disalowed because my lovely BF blocked a guy… which you’re not allowed to do in tag! But it’s ok…. I got to run around like a lunatic for 40 min and felt great afterwards.

Here’s to tomorrow, and a better and brighter one for all.

Bedtime for an Irish lass…..

Oiche maith agus coladh sábh (night night and sleep tight)!

If you’re looking for an enthusiastic, uplifting, motivational post….. no point in reading my post today. Wow, I’m starting to sound like the “Series of Unfortunate Events” books!

Yesterday was such a fantastic day… up until I got a call from my Mom at 7:30pm. She always screws up my mood. Ok… the call went like this -

She phoned to say she expected me to do “some leg work” for her up in Dublin. Turns out my sister who’s in college up here picked up a littering fine last December (a cv she handed into a shop was dumped on the street in an untaged bag so the litter warden who found it decided to fine her). My sister appealed the fine, but she got a letter yesterday saying that her appeal had been unsuccessful, and that legal proceedings would be taken against her by 02-07-08 if she didnt pay the fine.

Ok…. here’s the daft part. My Mother wanted ME to go walking around Temple Bar and the Docklands in Dublin (not a nice part of Dublin…. what on EARTH was my sister handing out cvs around the Docklands for?!) to find a bead shop (that she didnt have the name of) and a comic book shop (that she also didnt have a name for) just to see if they remembered my sister’s cv from7 months ago…… and when I said I didnt have the time for a wild goose chase like that, she lost the head. She wanted to know what exactly else I would be doing with my time instead of walking around 2 awful parts of Dublin looking for shops that neither her or my sister could tell me the name of! Sweet Lord…. my blood is boiling just now thinking about it.

2 hours later I get a text off my sister with some more details on the shops locations. She could kinda remember what the shop fronts looked like, so I just did a few google searches and luckily enough I found the Bead shop and gave her the details for it. Not a hope finding the comic shop, and I told her I wasnt trapseing around the docklands without a garda escort! My sister understood thankfully, and said I had done enough and could do no more. Yeah, my sister takes after my Dad’s side of the family.

So then Mom gets back on the phone and told me that my aunt (Dad’s sister) who had just finished  radiotherapy has been called into St Lukes (Dublin Cancer treatment hospital) asap to see 2 of the top doctors in there. I’m actually welling up now writing this, which is NOT a good thing because I’m at work. But I need to get this out. Mom made it sound like my aunt is going to get really bad news. Like they’re going to tell her that she needs chemo (which is more than likely, was always kinda on the cards) but that it may be paliative treatment. I love my aunt, you have no idea how much. She’s no nonscence, loving, would do anything for you. So much like my Dad. She’s my Dad’s eldest sister…. and I know Mom’s also said what she said to me to him, which means he must be devistated at home. Even before news comes from the doctor’s appointment. Anyway, my Aunts refused to go for the appointment until next week. She just started back at school for the final week with her favourite class (she’s a primary school teacher), so her appointment’s next Tuesday. I’m not a prayerful person. I used to be, but not anymore. I lost my faith over a period of a few years. Last night when I was going to bed, I was thinking about saying a prayer, and then I just thought to myself “if there IS a higher power, then they’ll just think I’m a fair weather worshiper and that’s not right”. So I had a bit of a cry for myself and for her and went off to sleep.

But before bedtime, my BF was supposed to call over after training and spend the night. By 10pm he still hadnt shown up (he trains about a 5 minute walk from my apartment and training finished at 9pm). I sent him a text saying I was going to bed and I would talk to him tomorrow. He phoned back saying that he had gone back to his own apartment to drop off his training gear and was actually on his way out to me again. I told him not to bother because I was heading to bed. He asked me what was wrong and I told him everything that had happened. I love my BF, but he cant deal with my emotions. He doesnt get it that when I’m down, like I was then, I need a cuddle and I need to be let cry my heart out until it’s all out. He just kinda tries to surpress my upset, or my anger…. which only makes it worse.

So I was even more wound up when I hung up… and I did what I swore I wouldnt do…… I ordered pizza AND garlic bread. I went for the small pizza rather than the medium… but I still ate crap that I swore I wouldnt. And I felt awful after (probably part of the reason I cried myself to sleep). I even thought thoughts I know I shouldnt, but that I do when I’m as low as I was last night. Thought, if I was gone, no one would miss me. I thought, I have no real purpose here anyway. And the thoughts just kept running through my head until I fell asleep.

I woke up this morning still feeling really down. I couldnt get up to go to the gym. It’s ok though, cuz I’ve a tag match this evening after work, so will get in 40 minutes of running then. I still feel really down though. I just want to go to bed and have a good cry for myself. I dont want to be at work. I dont want to do anything. I dont want to have to put on my smile for the guys here and pretend that all is ok.

So I feel like crap. I’ve eaten crap today. And I keep getting landed with crapier and crapier jobs at work…. really crap ones that are pilling up and making me feel so overwhelmed. Feel like just packing it all in.

Ok….. if you’ve managed to get to the end of this post… congrats. That was some endurance test for you.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Breakfast - 1 bowl of porridge made with skimmed milk (174 cal)

Mid Morning snack - 1 banana (90 cal) 2 apples (110 cal)

Dinner - tuna (90 cal), mayo (11 cal), sweetcorn (70 cal), onion (8 cal), oil (59 cal), prawns (90 cal), tomatoe (9 cal), cheese (215 cal)……. took yer advice on the protein boost. worked wonders! Didnt feel hungry again for ages!!!

Mid afternoon snack - 2 rich tea biscuits (82 cal), 1 apple (55cal)

Supper - veggi lasagne (295 cal), 1 egg (76 cal), 1 yougurt (68 cal)

Total Calories - 1502 cal

Exercise - 45 min cross trainer (731 cal burned)

                   20 min treadmill (201 cal burned)

All around good day!

I just heard and I HAD to tell ye….. my BF was offered a job….. IN DUBLIN!!!!! He wont be moving thank goodness! I’m so happy!

He went for an interview in a school this morning. When he got back into his car after the interview, the school phoned him and asked him to come back in to sign a contract if he was interested. He says the school is so much better than the hell hole he was in. Fantastic facilities. I’m so happy for him. I hope he has a much better year next year than he had this year.

Ok… back to work for me!

Just read the comments from my last accountability blog…… thanks guys!!! When I looked back over what I had eaten for the day, I saw that ye were right Flor, Kama and Moonbeam65… there was little or no protein in what I ate. I was thinking about having tuna before tag training…. but I havent done my food shopping for te week yet. Had every intention of doing it on Sunday…. but with everything that happened on Sunday (losing my keys etc) I didnt get around to doing a food shop yet this week. At the minute all I have in my press is porridge and in my fridge is peppers, some cheese and brocelli! Dinner is going to be interesting today! But I’m skipping taekwon-do tonight to do some food shopping, so I’ll stock up on my tuna! It would probably explain why I was so hungry yesterday and ended up reaching for some bad stuff!

Oh and Moonbeam65… supper is like a light evening meal. Instead of breakfast, lunch and dinner, I have my main meal (dinner) at lunchtime and my light meal like lunch in the evening (suppertime!). I feel better if I eat less in the evening.

So… tag last night was hilarious. My BF showed up with another guy we do taekwon-do with. This fella’s nickname since he got back from a year in France on Errasmus (like a student exchange) is “Fat Boy”. He didnt gain any weight. If anything, his 6 pack got more pronounced…. but it’s a running joke at the club now that he’s “Fat Boy”!

It POURED rain down on top of us during training.  We were slipping and sliding all over the place when we were running to tag someone. I was delighted with the training, cuz I scored 3 tries….. cant wait for our 1st match on Thursday… tomorrow! It’s 9 weeks of matches. We’re in the beginners league so we’ll see how we get on. It was so funny to see my BF train like that. He was a wee bit out of his comfort zone, training with my work crowd who he’d never met before. But he did great. He did get a mouthful of grass a few times when he fell…. and he also decided to throw me into the bushes before training…. but other than that, he did ok. Think he’s going to join the team, which is great!

After the training, my BF and the other guy from the tkd club who was at training went for a run around the pitches. I ran with another girl who was at training. The 2 of us are doing a 5 mile run in the Phoenix Park in Dublin on July 12th. It’s 2km around the pitches and we ran it in 10 minutes. I have to admit, I did push the girl to finish it in 10. She wasnt really used to running that fast (Dorey…. picture me as your trainer, but a bit more sadistic!). But she did it, and she was delighted she did it. She also said she wasnt running with me again until next week, to give herself time to recover! Saw her in the gym this morning though, back on the treadmill! Yeah…. I’ll grab her for a run this evening!

Right… I’m going to read a few blogs and then do a bit of (*yawn*) work.

Oh and it’s Wednesday! Forgot that! It’s my favourite day of the week!!!

Happy Wednesday buddies!!!

Breakfast - 1 bowl porridge with skimmed milk (173 cal)

Snack - 2 apples (110 cal), 1 banana (90 cal)

Dinner - mozzerella (215), red pepper (15 cal), garlic (4 cal), onion (5 cal), mushroom (9 cal), tomatoe (6 cal), squash (6 cal), olive oil (62 cal), 1 yougurt (73 cal).

Snack - 1 small orange (37), 1 kiwi (45 cal), 2 rich tea biscuits (82 cal)

Pre-training - 1 yougurt (73 cal), 2 rhyvitta (62 cal) with mayo (11 cal), 1 bowl cereal (250 cal)

Supper - 1 ice pop (99 cal), popcorm (135 cal), 1 bowl porridge made with water (135 cal)

Total calories - 1697 calories (bit more than yesterday, but I did a lot more exercise!

Exercise - 40 minutes cross trainer (650 cal) and 20 minutes jog (240 cal) in the morning before work.

                   1 hour tag rugby after work. Sweet talked my BF into joining our work team so he would have something else to do during his summer holidays and we could do more together! Taking your advice Kama!

                 1 lap of the pitches after tag (2km in 10 minutes approx).

 All in all, it was a good day!

Well, I went to taekwon-do last night. Best class I’ve been to in aaaages. Mind you, this morning I can barely move my arms. Reason for this is, one smart lad decided to act the maggot in the class. The instructor told him “everytime you make me laugh, I’m going to give the class 10 pressups”. We did alot of pressups! In the end we had to tell this lad that if he didnt calm down, he’d get lynched!

But the class was fantastic. We did 45 minutes of 2 minute spars with 20 seconds break between them. Thank goodness I’ve been working on my fitness otherwise I would have collapsed… or just puked right there in the hall in front of everyone. I had to spar my BF too, which was great craic. At the start he was a bit of a softie… but then I side kicked his head and the gloves were off!

When I got home from training I poste dmy accountability for the day. When I got in to work this morning I checked the site, and couldnt believe the feedback from that post. I wasnt expecting anyone to read it, because accountability can sometimes be a bit of a boring thing to go through.

So thanks a million Lara, Dee, Dorey Moonbeam65 and Geoiggs. It was definately the encouragement I needed to get this thing up and running again. You’re right Lara, day 1 down…. 31 to go to the holiday. Yeah I do count calories at times Dorey. it’s when I want to really ensure I stay on track. I’m a bit of an All or Nothing gal like Lara…. can be a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to this when I want to be! Cant wait to see the results when I’m done!

Thanks again guys. I wouldnt be where I am today if it weren’t for ye.