LittleFlower

If you’re looking for an enthusiastic, uplifting, motivational post….. no point in reading my post today. Wow, I’m starting to sound like the “Series of Unfortunate Events” books!

Yesterday was such a fantastic day… up until I got a call from my Mom at 7:30pm. She always screws up my mood. Ok… the call went like this -

She phoned to say she expected me to do “some leg work” for her up in Dublin. Turns out my sister who’s in college up here picked up a littering fine last December (a cv she handed into a shop was dumped on the street in an untaged bag so the litter warden who found it decided to fine her). My sister appealed the fine, but she got a letter yesterday saying that her appeal had been unsuccessful, and that legal proceedings would be taken against her by 02-07-08 if she didnt pay the fine.

Ok…. here’s the daft part. My Mother wanted ME to go walking around Temple Bar and the Docklands in Dublin (not a nice part of Dublin…. what on EARTH was my sister handing out cvs around the Docklands for?!) to find a bead shop (that she didnt have the name of) and a comic book shop (that she also didnt have a name for) just to see if they remembered my sister’s cv from7 months ago…… and when I said I didnt have the time for a wild goose chase like that, she lost the head. She wanted to know what exactly else I would be doing with my time instead of walking around 2 awful parts of Dublin looking for shops that neither her or my sister could tell me the name of! Sweet Lord…. my blood is boiling just now thinking about it.

2 hours later I get a text off my sister with some more details on the shops locations. She could kinda remember what the shop fronts looked like, so I just did a few google searches and luckily enough I found the Bead shop and gave her the details for it. Not a hope finding the comic shop, and I told her I wasnt trapseing around the docklands without a garda escort! My sister understood thankfully, and said I had done enough and could do no more. Yeah, my sister takes after my Dad’s side of the family.

So then Mom gets back on the phone and told me that my aunt (Dad’s sister) who had just finished  radiotherapy has been called into St Lukes (Dublin Cancer treatment hospital) asap to see 2 of the top doctors in there. I’m actually welling up now writing this, which is NOT a good thing because I’m at work. But I need to get this out. Mom made it sound like my aunt is going to get really bad news. Like they’re going to tell her that she needs chemo (which is more than likely, was always kinda on the cards) but that it may be paliative treatment. I love my aunt, you have no idea how much. She’s no nonscence, loving, would do anything for you. So much like my Dad. She’s my Dad’s eldest sister…. and I know Mom’s also said what she said to me to him, which means he must be devistated at home. Even before news comes from the doctor’s appointment. Anyway, my Aunts refused to go for the appointment until next week. She just started back at school for the final week with her favourite class (she’s a primary school teacher), so her appointment’s next Tuesday. I’m not a prayerful person. I used to be, but not anymore. I lost my faith over a period of a few years. Last night when I was going to bed, I was thinking about saying a prayer, and then I just thought to myself “if there IS a higher power, then they’ll just think I’m a fair weather worshiper and that’s not right”. So I had a bit of a cry for myself and for her and went off to sleep.

But before bedtime, my BF was supposed to call over after training and spend the night. By 10pm he still hadnt shown up (he trains about a 5 minute walk from my apartment and training finished at 9pm). I sent him a text saying I was going to bed and I would talk to him tomorrow. He phoned back saying that he had gone back to his own apartment to drop off his training gear and was actually on his way out to me again. I told him not to bother because I was heading to bed. He asked me what was wrong and I told him everything that had happened. I love my BF, but he cant deal with my emotions. He doesnt get it that when I’m down, like I was then, I need a cuddle and I need to be let cry my heart out until it’s all out. He just kinda tries to surpress my upset, or my anger…. which only makes it worse.

So I was even more wound up when I hung up… and I did what I swore I wouldnt do…… I ordered pizza AND garlic bread. I went for the small pizza rather than the medium… but I still ate crap that I swore I wouldnt. And I felt awful after (probably part of the reason I cried myself to sleep). I even thought thoughts I know I shouldnt, but that I do when I’m as low as I was last night. Thought, if I was gone, no one would miss me. I thought, I have no real purpose here anyway. And the thoughts just kept running through my head until I fell asleep.

I woke up this morning still feeling really down. I couldnt get up to go to the gym. It’s ok though, cuz I’ve a tag match this evening after work, so will get in 40 minutes of running then. I still feel really down though. I just want to go to bed and have a good cry for myself. I dont want to be at work. I dont want to do anything. I dont want to have to put on my smile for the guys here and pretend that all is ok.

So I feel like crap. I’ve eaten crap today. And I keep getting landed with crapier and crapier jobs at work…. really crap ones that are pilling up and making me feel so overwhelmed. Feel like just packing it all in.

Ok….. if you’ve managed to get to the end of this post… congrats. That was some endurance test for you.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better.