LittleFlower

This is how I’ve felt since Sunday. It’s just been one binge after another after another…. it’s ridiculus. Part of me knows why… it’s the 1st time ever I’ve had the place I live in to myself, where no one would see how much food and wine I bring in to the house and how much I eat and drink. I can just eat all I want to eat, and throw away the evidence before anyone sees, so there’s no embarressment. Cathal’s gone home for a week because he’s on mid term break… so I have the apartment to myself. So far this week…. I cant even go into describing how bad the binges have been. Ok no…. I have to be honest with myself here. i have to put it out there. I have to let others know and stop trying to ignore it.

I have had pizza…. twice…. I ordered Dominos…. with a starter of wedges, on Saturday and Sunday. I have drunk so much wine, it’s actually embarressing to admit to how much….. God, this is tough…… 2 bottles of red wine, 1 and half bottles of white (I dumped the oter half down the sink this morning and then took all the bottles to the bottle bank to get them out of the house and out of my sight). I also drank a can of larger (I dont even know why… I dont like the stuff) and 4 bottles of beer…..

My head is screwed up this week. People see me and think I’m such a happy go lucky type of person…. bubbly, smiley…. but I feel so screwed up this week.

A lot’s happened this week too. The marathon I was training for came and went on Monday… I barely left my house. i couldnt watch any of it because I felt so bad not being able to run in it. Some of ye know about my baby sister coming up to stay with me for a weekend and how excited I was about it…just her and me and my other sister who lives up here. Well, that weekend is this coming weekend. And instead of looking forward to it now, I’m dreading it… why?

Well, my Mother phoned last weekend and told me she was coming up with my sister on Friday…. she said that she was going to be up in Dublin anyway on Sunday for a Knit and Stitch show, so she might as well come up with Saoirse and avail of the lift from Cathal on Friday. I feel sick even thinking about it. This was supposed to be our weekend… the sisters….. not anyone else. Even Cathal was making himself scarce for that weekend. Now instead, I have my Mother tagging along, acting strained. My baby sister was really looking forward to the weekend away from her too. Now instead of 2 whole days of just us girls… we will only have about 4 hours alone on Sunday when we go to the zoo and she goes to that show.

I really wanted this weekend with my sister. I really did.

I cant concentrate today. I dont want to work. I cant study for my exam next Thursday. I feel sick even thinking about it.

Today really isnt a good day.

Sorry, I wont be getting to blogs… i just cant today. Maybe tomorrow.