LittleFlower

The ‘Middle Wife’ by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacherI’ve been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they’re welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. ‘This is Luke, my baby brother, and I’m going to tell you about his birthday.’

‘First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom’s stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.’

She’s standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I’m trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

‘Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, ‘Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!’ Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. ‘She walked around the house for, like an hour, ‘Oh, oh, oh!’ (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

‘My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn’t have a sign on the car like the Domino’s man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.’ (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

‘And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!’ (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

‘Then the middle wife starts saying ‘push, push,’ and ‘breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom’s play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there..’

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I’m sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it’s show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another ‘Middle Wife’ comes along.
 

Right…. I’m still a bit worked up and a bit all over the place after last night. First off… Kerry lost the All - Ireland, which is dperessing. We were looking for our 3rd in a row and Tyrone beat us.

Then after I met up with my extended family in what I thought was a pub. But it turned out they were meeting downstairs in the restaurant and having dinner, and didnt tell me they were having dinner. I had already eaten, so just ended up sitting with them while they ate. It was nice though, because I was sitting in front of my Dad and beside one of my favourite Aunts so we had a great chat. And my sister and our cousin came after about an hour and sat down beside me so had a great chat with them. It was really nice to have Dad’s sisters and cousins around like that. His side of the family’s alot nicer and warmer than Mom’s side. Dad’s family are all country folk, where as Mom’s side are mainly Townies. There’s a huge difference in attitude and friendliness between the 2 because of that.

Anyhew, after about an hour or so I told Dad I was heading because 1) I wasnt eating and 2) my b/f was texting loads for me to meet him and the lads in the pub down the road. Dad was so sad seeing  me go. I love that man. I just gave him a huge hug and told him I’d see him really soon. I’m not one of these who get shy about showing my Dad affection in public. I’ll hold his hand walking down the street or just hug him for no reason. He’s such a sweet guy. I wish you guys could meet him. I’ve known him 25 years now and know he hasnt one bad bone in his body.

Anyway, my sister and our cousin left with me (they wanted to go to a club that everyone goes to after the All-Ireland, called Copper Faced Jacks) and we met a guy I used to share a house with outside with one of his friends! We’re all from Kerry, and he was in mourning after the match. So I brought him and his friend along with me to the pub to find my b/f.

Got to the pub, and it was packed. Straight away I just wanted to go home. I hate crowds. Met my b/f though and 2 of his friends were out too, so said I’d stay for a while and be sociable. I actually surprised myself because I managed to stay and be sociable and have a good time with everyone, and all I had to drink was one diet coke. Funny moment in the night though, a guy came up to me and start talking to me and chatting me up. I mean, he didnt even try to conceal it or make small talk…. 3rd question he asks me was “are one of these lads your boyfriend?”… as my b/f was staring at him!! Ha ha… very funny moment. The look on his face when I told him that my b/f was right beside me…. But he took it well. My b/f isnt the jealous type. He told me later that he just expects guys to come up and chat me up when we’re out.. which I think is a compliment.

Anyway… I started getting really tired around 11pm so I convinced himself to leave his pint and we go home. On the walk home he told me that it was really bugging him now knowing that there were things about me that I couldnt and wouldnt share with him. When we got back to his flat, I sat him down on the couch and told him I’ve bulimia and depression and I’ve been dealing with it since I was about 9 years old or so. That’s all I told him. That’s all I could tell him.

He said that he kinda guessed I was bulimic, and that his mother had said something to him about it. She said that she was worried that I never ate in her house, despite her trying her best to feed me. Then he said that he couldnt figure out my moods, and that he finds it frustrating how my mood can shift so quickly. Like one minute I’m happy as Larry, and then 5 minutes later I just want to be left alone. I told him it’s all part in parcel with what I’m going through with the bulimia, but it was much better these days.

Then I told him how much he’s helped me in the past year. How he’s made me more confident in myself, how now I can actually eat out in restaurants. I couldnt do that 3 years ago.

For the next hour he kept telling me over and over again how I didnt need to lose weight, I shouldnt have a hang up about my tummy, there’s no need to be bulimic, that he loves me so much just exactly the way I am, how his friends have told him they cant believe I’m still with him and that they think he isnt good enough for me… he just went on and on and on. He didnt give me any option to speak. I couldnt anyway.

This morning I woke up, and like I said in the forum thread, last night had kinda felt like a blitzkrieg of emotions. I’m upset now that I told him because I dont think he totally understands how screwed up I can be because of this bulimia. I cant just come out and tell him everything I’ve been through that’s made me the way I am. He doesnt give me a chance to open up like that. So now I’ve just reopened a horrible wound, and I’ve no way of healing it. I cant get closure on it. I’m afraid now that he will watch what I eat more closely now and that he’ll try and put me off exercising as much. He wants me to call over to him tonight again. I think he wants me to call over to him in the evening so he can make me stay over and that way I miss my morning work out before work. He doesnt like me working out before work because he says I get worn out from it, especially now that I’m sick with this nasal polyp thingy. But see, if I dont do it in the morning, then I have to do it after work when the gym is more packed, hotter and I’m less motivated to do a good work out. So I feel frustrated and even tireder in the end.

I dont know. I just feel sad this morning. I’ll try and pull myself together as the day goes on. I also feel a bit unsettled because I opened up to my boyfriend so much…. I dont know…. I dont know…….. Right now I just want to go home and sleep for a bit. Kinda exhausted for no real reason.

Kerry lost the All-Ireland final by 4 points… . i dont know what happened to them. Kerry just lost it. I’m so upset……

COME ON THE KINGDOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today is All-Ireland Sunday. It’s the mos important Sunday of the year when it comes to Gaelic Football. Today at 3:30pm the green and gold shirts of Co. Kerry will meet the red and white shirts of Co. Tyrone in Croke Park, to battle it out in a game of two halves to win the Sam Maguire cup and become All-Ireland Football Champions! Kerry (where I’m from) have won the most All-Ireland titles in the history of the game. But, Tyrone are a phenomenal side. They’re fit, strong, vicious on the field. It’s going to be a rough game. BUT Kerry will be victorious!!! So wear green and gold today!!!! I’ll be back later to let ye know how it goes…. oooh I’m so excited!

SO I had dinner last night with the extended family.It was kinda nice. I didnt eat much. I was sure to order the hottest main course so I could only eat a few bites of it without my mouth catching fire. But dinner went on for 3 and half hours. I was exhausted by the time it was over and just wated to go home to my bed. All during dinner phones were ringing with peopel finding tickets for today’s game! That’s just typical for the Saturday night before the game. My aunts have contacts all over Ireland so they have no problems getting tickets. I dont know if Dad got a ticket though. He said that he’ll come over to mine to watch the match if my sister doesnt find him a ticket. I love watching matches with my Dad. It’s so much fun watching them with him.

Ok… gotta do my food shopping now so I will have all my jobs done before the match starts. COME ON THE KINGDOM!!!!

Oh yeah, I weighed in today… another maintain. Really happy with that. My clothes feel looser and I do feel lighter, eventhough the scale doesnt show it. Next week will be a loss!

Have a great Sunday Buddies!!!! Wear green and gold / yellow today!!!

36, 36, ……… I’m doing a little happy dance now !!!!

Ok ok…. so, right now I need to get ready to go out and have dinner with my very extended famly… I’m talk my Dad, my sister, my aunts (on Dad’s side) and my cousins (on Dad’s side)…… that’s over 20 people, and more than half of them have made my Mom feel like crap in the past few months. My Dad’s cousin has alienated my Mom on several occasions and she will be at the table. I HATE this woman. But as my Dad always says… “Blaithin, you’re a Lynch, not a half Lynch, and you will rise above it”. I love my Dad for that comment.  I really do.

So…. I gota get ready for dinner now…. and its in an Indian….. and the food is really unhealthy. BUT to combat the urge to binge, I ate a good, healthy lunch and I actually feel full now from it. Still. I dont need the crappy food in the retaurant. 2 tbl spoons of rice and a bit of chicken and I’ll be done. And THATS all I’m going to have.

So, going to get myself dolled up now…. skirt, top high shoes…. this awful woman that made Mom feel like crap forever, reports back to the whole community about how we are doing when she meets us…… I live in a small rural place where everyone knows everyone…. this is normal……… I want this COW to see that I am happy, successful, ambitious etc….. I know it may sound a bit desperate to ye…… but image is very important where I come from. We have this programme on TV called “Keeping up Appearences”… google it if ye can!!! Loads of families where I come from are like this Mrs Bucket (pernounced Booooookkay)…. which explain the last part there of my Blog. my Mom is included in there. We used to all call her Mrs. Booooooooookkkay when we were younger!!!!

Anyway,…. Dad just phoned there… he’s in Dublin (yeeeeeeeeeeay) and we’re all set for dinner. Cant wait to see him. And my sister (moving back up here fore her 3rd year in college… love that girl). I will just focus on them tonight and that’s it.

Right got to go Buddies… check on ye tomorrow morning.

Good Moooooooooooorning Buddies. Well, it’s afternoon over here now. I’m just home from the hospital and taking a bit of time to have my lunch before heading back to work. Well, it was an interesting clinic appointment.

The Registrar met me at the waiting room and said “wait until you se your scan”. Well…. let me just say, I am now definately not imagine this polyp as being something big. The thing is HUGE!!!! It totally fills my maxillary sinus (the sinus just under your eye) and has even dropped down the back of my throat. I mean, the Registrar could SEE it when she looked in my mouth! So it’s coming out asap. Instead of having to wait 6 months on the waiting list, the Registrar is booking me in as a day case (so no overnighter after the genral anaesthetic) and I should get a call in the next week. Normally people have to stay in over night after the op, but because I’m young, healthy and I live close enough to the hospital, they said they’d let me go home once they take the packing out of my nose after the op.

I cant wait. I’ll finally be able to sleep for more than 4 hours a night. I’ll get rid of these red marks under my eyes, that I’ve had for 2 years now all because of exhaustion! I cant wait to feel really healthy again, the way I was before this thing started to grow in me. I just CANT WAIT!!!!

I phoned Mom to tell her the news. 1st thing she said was “let me know when you’re having it, because I’m coming up to look after you” Agggggrrr. I told her there was no need. I’d be grand. And if I was sick I could go over to my boyfriend and he would look after me. But she insisted. See, this is a stress I wont need when I’m getting better. I’m not close to my Mom. Having her around me like that will drive me up the walls. It just doesnt feel right having her fuss over me. I think she feels she has to do it because I’m her daughter. But there really is no need.

Anyway…. this was just a quick update…. I’m going off to make my dinner now and then head back to work for a few hours.

I’ll check backj in with everyone again later.

Happy Friiiiiiiiiiiiiiiday Buddies!!!!

Today was rough. Work was hectic. I ended up copying and folding over 600 contruction drawings… my arms and shoulders are still hurting. I sweated buckets…. it was like a solid 2 hours of an upper body work out!!! That’s one way of looking at it!

So, today I decided to make a mini list of things that I am most grateful for at this very moment. I think it’s important to look on the bright side when you can, to see how fortunate you are to be where you are today. I also think it’s very important to focus on the day you’re living, not on the day just gone, or the one to come. If you dont live in the present, how are you supposed to enjoy your life. I mean, tomorrow mightnt come so today would just be a waste.

So for my mini list of gratefullness.

I’m grateful -

• for my health. I can get up every morning and chose to go to the gym to make myself even more healthy. I can choose to eat healthy food every day to maintain my health and prolonge my life. I have all my faculties, all my limbs, my senses, my brain, my heart, a strong body…. what more could I need. I’ll be damn near perfect once I get this polyp out of my nose!!!
• for my family. For my Dad (who loves me unconditionally and who I love so much back it almost hurts my heart for us to be apart), my baby sister (who is more like a daughter to me), my 2nd youngest sister who we nearly lost to an overdose 3 years ago, to my sister just younger than me (eventhough I never really see her anymore) and for my Mom.
• for allowing myself to forgive my Mom and now have her as a friend. We’re not close enough for mother-daughter things, but I know now I can call her and have a chat. She has also started to open up to me about awful thngs that hapened to her when she was younger, which is helping me to understand better why she is the way she is, and to accept and love her for the woman she is now.
• for my boyfriend. The only person outside my immediate family who loves me as much as they love me. Without ths boy I wouldnt be able to be the person I am today. He’s helped me so much in the past 3 years I’ve known him…. he’ll never know how much. I’d be lost without him.
• for Buddyslim and all my buddies on here. I’ve said it before, but this site has well and truely changed my life. Before I joined this site I was battling my bulimia demons all by myself. I had no support. I was depressed, suicidal, alone. From the 1st day I logged on here, I have never looked back. I have a totally different outlook on life now. I actually cant describe how different I am today to what I was this time last year. Thank you for the people that you are, and for taking the tme to read these blogs and give advice and support when I really needed it. Thank you so much.

Hmmmmm, think that’s the list done. I cant think of anything else for the moment. I’m sure more will come… but I’ll smile about them later.

Oh wait til I tell ye buddies, I just heard that my baby sister has 2 admirers in her class! She’s 10 and going to be 11 in November… but supposidly there are 2 boys in her class that like her! One of the boy’s mother phoned my Mom after she heard this boy (David) and his friend talking about all the girls in their class. Turns out the 2 boys dont like any other girl in the clas except for my baby sister! They think se’s cute, and funny and great to be around. I just started laughing when I heard this. My sister is the bigest tomboy. All she is interested in is wrestling people and horses! She is gorgeous though. And so kind and gentle. I’m only worried because she is exactly the same as me when I was her age. I mean, it’s like history rewritting itself with her. She was really sick as a baby up until recently, she is really shy and loves her own company. She can tend to cut herself off from people and shut herself away from the world in her own room with a book or her Nintendo DS. She is also very emotional and gets very easily hurt. I feel so much for her, and I get so worried about her at times. I want her to be more like my other 2 sisters and not like me. THose other 2 were the life and soul of every party, and still are. They are both so confident and outgoing.

I just dont want her to have a childhood like mine… reclusive. I want her to be outgoing etc. But, she has alot going for her. For one, she doesnt have the stress of an abusive parent. Mom’s kinda got herself together, and she is not as bad as she was when we were younger. She still has her moments, but she is very close to my baby sister. I think she is correcting all her past wrongs with her. She is normal weight and I think that will definately stand in her favour. She has a very healthy way of looking at food. She only eats when she is hungry and will turn away food if she isnt. She had an ulcer for years when she was much younger so she has gotten used to eatng only healthy food and very small portions of everything. She cant stomach bad food like chips or any type of fast food.

Ok… so I feel like a mother to this little girl. I stress about her all the time. I just want her to have the best life she can possibly have. I always tell her to follow her dreams no matter what, and no matter what anyone tells her. She wants to work with horses and I’ve told her to go for it. Now, it may never be possible, but whatever she wants to do, is what she should do. I love this girl with all my heart. Ok ok… enough of the soppy. I suppose she’s the thing I’m most grateful for. I can remember the day she was born. I was up during the night while Mom was in labour and pacing up and down the hall with labour pains. I was awake just after 3am when Dad called to say we had a little sister (we were all hoping for a brother). I can remember going into school that day and just wishing it was 4pm so I could make the 25mile trip into the hospital to see my baby sister.

And then I can remember seeing her…… and feeling nothng for her. She was just this lump in a cot next to Mom’s bed. I wanted to feel more for her, but it just didnt click that she was ours. She just seemed so fragile when I picked her up…. and I just wanted to pass her on asap.

And then we took her home. Oh sweet Lord… that baby almost made me swear never to have any kids of my own. She was sooooooo colicky. Mom had postnatal depression, so Dad, myself and the sister just younger than me did the nightly feeds and changing and pacing when she was crying with wind. I had state exams that year (the Junior Cert) so between studying and looking after my sister, I was constantly exhausted.

But….

I can remember the point where I started to love her……..

She was bawling. She wasnt hungry. I didnt know what to do with her.

So I put her on my lap with her tiny feet against my belly and her head on my knees. I rocked her gently over and back until she drifted off to sleep. looking at her then, that was when it hit me. I loved this bundle of trapped wind. I would do anything for her. If something terrible happened to her in the morning, I would die. From that moment on, I loved every moment I ever spent with her. When she got bigger, she would fall asleep in my arms with her arms around my neck. Even now, If I’m home, I’ll lie down on her bed with her until she falls asleep. She’s like my little girl, and I would do anything for her.

Ok ok…….. enough of this …………….. so, what are ye thankful for today?!

Last night I went over to my boyfriends to spend our anniversary together. I spent the 1st hour on the couch watching soccer while he half watched the game, half corrected maths tests. I still find it funny to see him in “teacher mode”. That look of concentration on his face as he tries to correct the test according to the coded marking system, that changes depending on the sex, age and class of the student! I offered to help him, but took one look at the marking system and then changed my mind.

So… when he finally finshed half the papers, he put the rest away so we could snuggle for a bit on the couch… well… half snuggle… we were also watching “Prison Break”! I gave him his present (the new Blackburn Rovers Jersey) and his face just fell. He said “but I didnt get you anything!”. I just laughed and told him he’s done enough for me in the past year. I didnt expect him to get me anything. This was more a token of my appreciation for him sticking by me for so long. He was delighted with the jersey, and it looks gorgeous on him.

That night we were just talking about random things. I cant remember what comment I made, but he came out with this, and it kinda knocked me a bit. “You’re a bit of a loaner arent you”. I told him “Yeah, I am. But it’s what I’m happy with”.

I’m still thinking about what he said. I am a loaner. But I dont think I’m happy with it. It’s wierd. I like my own company. I wish I could go out and socialise more and had more friends to go out with (at the minute it’s just my b/f and his friends), but I dont feel comfortable going out. I just feel awkward. I’m no sooner out, when I want to go home, sit on the couch or on my bed and throw on a dvd.

It all goes back to when I was a teenager. When all my friends were going out to the local teenage disco, I was lieing at home on my bed. I couldnt bring myself to go out because I was the biggest kid in my area, and kids in my area weren’t nice about that. It still makes me upset thinking about that. So when I got to college, I had no social skills whatsoever. None. I couldnt go out and just talk to people. Heck, I found it hard to talk to my own class in college. Even now, I only talk to people if I really have to. I’ve grown so used to my own company, that it’s really tough to let people in. I still keep my b/f at arms length at times, and will tell him I’m doing stuff some nights when he wants me to go out with him and his friends.

When I was in college I used exercise as an excuse not to go out. When the rest of my class were on college nights out, I would be in the gym or at a taekwon-do class instead. Sport and exercise were my crutch, my security blanket. I didnt have tot alk to anyone when I was on the treadmill. I couldnt talk to anyone in the taekwon-so class most of the time, because we were being drilled and fighting in the ring.

I’m a loaner, and I’m still torn between liking it, needing it, but wanting to be done with it.

 I cant let go of my blankie yet….. not sure if I’ll ever be able to.

 OK so…. on the subject of “big butts”…. I got this in an email at work this morning….. funny, but not for the sensitive reader. 

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER 

He’s still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Feeling a bit neutral today. Not too happy, not too sad…. not just right. Feeling a bit helpless at the minute to be honest. On a plus note… 32 days and no binge. I have never gone this long before. BUT I’ve never had this much support before either. I’ve never had such great people telling me I can do this. I’ve never been able to talk to people who are going through the exact same things as I am…..

Ok… going to have to save this post and come back to it. The guy who shares my desk is annoying the hell out of me and cant concentrate on this post. brb

Ok… he’s shut up. Where was I? Oh yeah…. Great Buddies! Before when I tried to lose weight, it was always by myself. I had my Mom to “help” me when I was younger, and all she did was send me down the anorexia/bulimia path. She just didnt know any better. I was her 1st kid and she made enough mistakes with me to get it right for the other 3!

Anyway…. today I’m just a bit fed up. I’m tired, so it’s not helping. And at work, they are just loading me with more and more work and I just feel so used and abused by them. I mean, I’m doing the work of 3 people here. What really annoyed me was when one of the lads started to show me how to do his job, so I can take a bit of the pressure off him. What he doesnt realise though is that I’m also “taking the pressure off” 18 other people. I’m supposed to be a junior secretary on minimum wage, and yet I’m secretary to 19 people and I do part of the Planner and Estimator’s job, as well as some of Purchasing and now HR. It just makes me want to cry when I see how much work I have to do, and yet I can barely get by day to day on the minimum wage. We already got a memo from HR this year to say that our pay will not be going up at the end of the year, because the construction industry in Ireland is in decline at th eminute (kinda like every other industry in this country). So…. I’ll have the same pay next year and will have to cope with college fees, exam fees and the rising cost of living (gas and electricity are all shooting up in the next month or so, and taxes are going up). I’m just freaking out a bit.

But, there is no point in complaining about something unless you take measures to correct the problem. I’ve been in touch with recruitment agencies and been to meetings with them, but there’s no work out there at the minute. It looks like I’m stuck where I am, and it just makes me want to cry.

On a plus note, with all this stress, I’ve stayed within calories and havent binged. I’m stuck on a bloody plateau, and I am NOT going to increase my exercise any further. I’m just going to weather this plateau out and let my body catch up with itself. I can’t work out more than I am (1-2hrs a day 5 days a week). I know my body cant take it. And I’m eating between 1400 - 1500 calories a day, so that’s enough. The scale will start to move again.. I just have to be patient.

Stupid co-worker is being annoying again…. brb…..

Ok…. just had me a really bitter orange and it made me pull faces to correspond with my mood right now! But, on a plus note, it has calmed my hunger a bit. Yeah…. good old hunger. It’s bad at the minute. I know it’s the pill. Doctor told me to put up with it for 6 months and then we’ll review it again if my hunger doesnt get less. One month down, 5 more to go. There are times when I feel like chewing on the desk at work I get so hungry! So far I’ve eaten a small orange, a plum and a nectarine in the 3 hours and 45 minutes I’ve been at work. I’ve also had 2 mugs of coffee and I managed to say “no” to the choclate biscuits that were screaming at me when I was making my coffee.

Damn it’s hard to be good sometimes!

Anyway, just had a look through the blogs…. love reading what ye all write when it’s bedtime over here! It takes up my coffee breaks at work so it’s a welcomed break without the drudgery of this job.

Oh and I got an email from my sister today. She landed safe and sound in Nepal and is starting her volunteer training this week. She’s signed up for a 3 month contract, but said she’d stay out there longer if her savings hold out. I dont know how she does it. I mean, she just takes off like that for months travelling or volunteering, runs up debts as long as my arm that take her a year or so to pay off, and she’s ok with that. Here I am freaking out about my current situation, which is a heck of a way more stbale than hers will be when she gets home.

Anyway… I gota stop depressing myself today…. It’s “one of those days” and I am determined not to get low about things. A year ago today I started going out with my best friend of 2 years. We’re still together…. he’s been through alot with me emotional-wise and has stuck with me eventhough I have given him hell at times without fully explaining why. He’s helped me feel so much better about myself, and given me the confidence to be myself. I wouldnt be the girl I am today if I didnt meet him in the ring in a taekwon-do class 3 years ago.

Now, there’s a happy thought to finish this blog!